Well, this is not where I thought I would find myself, my friends. This is a hard time for me, personally. I will warn you, this isn’t a “military parent” post. This is just a ..me.. post.
I left my job, resigned, 21 days ago. I gave one month notice. I knew it wasn’t the right place for me anymore. But I also thought, strongly, that my next opportunity was well in hand and looking good.
My first evening home after my last day; the friend I was sure I was about to be working with messaged to inform me that the company had laid off hundreds; she was among them. My heart broke for her.
And, I would be lying if I didn’t admit, fear snaked around my heart and squeezed.
I knew my opportunity was gone.
That was the beginning. As I posted previously, we also opened our home to a family member in crisis and that caused a bit more fear, doubt, struggle. Then the worry, the anxious thoughts–fear squeezing this old heart tighter and tighter. “I made a mistake, in leaving my job” “what am I going to do?” “I have no security..” and on and on, round and round.
I have applied for everything. I have sent resumes left and right. I am trying. Striving to the point of exhaustion. Up at night with worries, searching the job sites. None of this, NONE of it is where I thought I would be.
Today, I stopped in my tracks as I really took hold of one of the whirling thoughts in my head and decided to take a closer look at it “I can’t just be..nothing!”
I went still.
Nothing. That is what I have been fighting. I was afraid I was, suddenly, nothing.
The thought of having to answer “What is your title?” by saying “Nothing..” sends chills to my soul.
“What do you do?” “Nothing,” I would have to reply.
And sure, I can comfort myself by saying the *things* I am: mom, a military mom, wife, homemaker, a sister, a friend, a daughter.
But what if all of that went away? (look, it’s been a crazy month, things happen!)
What if all that, one by one, was stripped from me?
Because the thing is, I didn’t know how much I depended on a title, a career, an answer to “What do you do?” to give me self-worth.
And delving deeper in, I realized how much of the things the world calls me, are used as an external way to prove my worth.
“What?? You haven’t heard my What Am I resume? Why, goodness, I am a mom, a military parent, a sister, a friend! I am so.. worthy!”
These are all great things.
But all “things.”
And things given in the world, and by the world, can be taken away.
If it can be taken away, it shouldn’t define my worth.
No title, no job, no other person, no thing can define your value.
The God who made me, who is with me, gives me value.
In God’s eyes, I am priceless.
Still, my prayer time just now went something like this:
Me: “Fine, God, that’s a cute billboard. But… what if I never get a new job….”
Me: “Sure, but what about when all my sons are grown and I don’t really feel like a mom anymore…”
Me: “Ok, but, I am not always much of a friend, what if I turn around one day and realize I am not cool enough for friends?”
Me: “BASED ON WHAT? Look! I AM NOTHING!”
God:”You are mine. It was always based on that. Only that.Get that, really get it, and then I will lead you into the plan for what comes next. Remember it forever and you won’t ever worry, strive, long for a title, lose sleep, or cling so tightly to things that can be taken away. Own it, and you will cling to me and when you do.. just wait little girl! You, nothing? Oh, I don’t think so.”
I am clinging, friends.
Hopeful, Untitled, but, oh so worthy.