In November of 2014, I wrote this..
“For so long I have asked those around me ‘does everyone feel this way? Does everyone know that God is calling them to do something big? And do they also feel like they just can’t find it?’ I often write it off, push it away, call it discontentment. But, is it more? It does hurt, to be desperate for purpose and not know how to calm the desperation. And when I think I know what I am called to do, I can’t even say it. There is always fear and insecurity. Sometimes, I think I could step out and say I think I am good at _____ and just as suddenly I will think ‘what if I’m not? So many others are better! What if I think its a gift but it’s just a dream?'”
Years, you guys. Years, to be able to say, without fear and without crushing anxiety and doubt: I am a writer.
Am I aware that I have BEEN writing for years? Yes. But for so long, when asked, I could only say the many things I am (mom, wife, daughter, employee..) and then I would end by saying “.. Oh, and I enjoy writing!”
I have moved the writing out in front of the “Oh, and..” and in front of all the rest.
I am a writer.
The broken, anxious gal inside wants to backspace and take this down, but I’m fighting that.
I spent years desperately looking everywhere for my purpose. Always searching for the ‘big thing’ I felt called to do. But the purpose wasn’t *out* there, it was in me.
I express through words. Not because of gift or purpose (buzz words in the church world, to be honest) I write because it is who I was created to be. I write, not because I just “enjoy” it, but because I AM a writer. And if no one read a word, then I would write just to fill unread pages. Because God created me to be a writer.
This desk, this space, in this photo, are new. The tools, the place, the space; a new gift from my family. This is a starting line and a finish line, both. I got here, to the start of something new, because I finally know what God knew all along: in the cast of characters, in the play of my lifetime, I am the writer.
From this starting place and my new beginning: a book.
I will update you on the book details as we go along!
And other exciting things in the pipeline! I envision creating smaller communities from this main page, I hope to do some Facebook live “talks” with you all, and, for CERTAIN, we have movers-shakers-and-policy-changers type of things to plan (#IMN is still a thing and still very BIG in my vision for the future.)
I turned 41 a couple days ago and God shook something loose inside me. It is, as if, courage and hope have aligned. My fear has been replaced with excitement.
I have realized something very important – a God who can do all things isn’t likely to ask you to step out in faith, He is far more likely to ask you to leap. Most people can trust themselves to take a step; but you need to trust God when you take a leap.
Love to you all, you are my brave. I can’t wait to write a book for you (and yes, I just fought, again, to not backspace that line out, because “struggling with self-worth” will clearly need its own chapter..haha) and to see what a fun, brave, beautiful community we can create right here.
I. Am. So. Excited.