Last weekend, I drove into Chicago to read one of my writings..out loud.
I had been invited to audition for a spoken word production that would be performed in May.
I was scared, but sensed God’s urging and went for it.
I had been so excited to make it past the essay round, and thought my reading went fairly well (I typically shy away from public speaking!)
I hoped it would be enough.
I told myself not to get excited.
Not to worry about the outcome.
And I wasn’t..too much.
But yet..I was.
I thought, “I think it will turn out ok. Thank you, God, for this calling.”
Then the sharp edged sword of rejection cut through.
An email, Thursday morning “..thank you for auditioning..we didn’t choose you….”
I held it together for a bit (made easier because I had just arrived at work when I found out and I think I have previously mentioned the fact that I am fairly certain that audible, gasping, sobbing in the workplace would be frowned upon. So, I didn’t)
But when I was finally alone, sitting in the chill of my quiet car on my lunch hour, I found myself crying – hard.
Another couple days have gone by but randomly, still, the tears will spill over.
I had been so proud of the courage I had somehow gathered, proud to even try.
I was following Gods lead! Surely doing that would bring me to the good stuff? The winning place? To something beautiful?
But that didn’t happen.
Even as I’ve cried, I’ve also come to realize why it didn’t go that way. Why God instead allowed me to go to a place of breaking..
Because my very first thought?
My whisper as I read my ‘thanks but no thanks’ email?
“Why am I never enough? Why am I always ‘almost’ enough?
Ugh. My deeply hidden, self-worth annihilating, lies that I believe to be truth.
Its so easy to let lies like that stay buried deep and never address them. To hide them away, not realizing the poison they are leaking into every area of our thoughts, actions and choices.
Tucked deep inside, lies can seem “sorta” true and “mostly” reasonable.
Yet, when forced up, out and into the light they suddenly look ridiculous, incongruent, mismatched and disproportionate to real truth.
Exposed – for the mess they are.
So, yeah, I guess sometimes God asks us to follow Him to places that will break us a bit, so that what surfaces through the cracks in our hearts are the lies – too long believed – about ourselves and our worth.
Now this hidden ugliness, the doubt about my worthiness, was exposed to light.
And I will tell you honestly, the breaking still stings.
I am writing this to y’all from the valley and not from a mountaintop.
But in between my tears, I have had a few coherent thoughts..
If I decided, along the way, that I was only ever “almost enough” I guess I need to answer this question: what determines when enough is enough?
How does anyone ever know they have achieved that status?
Is there some accomplishment, achievement, or level of success that would really ever be able to chase away the “almost” that comes before my “enough”?
I don’t think so.
Since I already went with a mountain/valley analogy, I may as well keep going in that direction..
In our house, we watch a lot of the reality show “Gold Rush” and the only thing I’ve really learned (other than 900 ways not to find gold in the Alaskan wilderness) is one very distinct property of gold: it is heavy.
Gold is heavier than mud, rocks, gravel, sand and dirt.
Gold will sink deep to the bottom of a gold mining pan when shaken, as lighter, worthless, material floats to the top and out.
I guess what I am saying is this – Gods view of us? That’s the gold of life. The lies we believe about ourselves? Sand. Mud. Gravel.
The more gold I can bury deep, the more quickly the lies can be pushed up to the surface and tossed out.
God’s opinion of us? Priceless, weighty, precious.
So that is my starting place, here in this current valley. Find the golden truth of how God sees me, bury it deep, push out the muddy and dirty lies of how I see myself.
And I’m just gonna keep praying.
Praying and hoping that we all somehow get this. That we all reach the point where we can shout at anytime (well, again, perhaps not in your office place, at least check your employee handbooks first)
“Right now, as I am, I am enough!”
God said so.
“Long ago, even before he made the world, God chose us to be his very own through what Christ would do for us; he decided then to make us holy in his eyes, without a single fault—we who stand before him covered with his love. His unchanging plan has always been to adopt us into his own family by sending Jesus Christ to die for us. And he did this because he wanted to!” Ephesians 1:4-5
Because He wanted to.
Because He wanted us.
And because we were enough to die for? We are enough, indeed.
Love to all,