Giving Up


Today, I turn 39 and I am giving up.

I tried you guys..I did.

But I’m tired. And I just can’t drag it all through another year.

The pursuit of perfection has ended.

My house will always be a little bit messy.

There I said it.

It might manage to look clean a few times a week..but may the Lord save you from the avalanche if you should open the door to living room closet.

My kids will not be perfect. They won’t be better than every other kid. They will mess up, fight, bomb a few tests, struggle to do the right things, say rude things. It is what it is.

But, then again, their mom is so far from perfection this should surprise no one.

I will never be a super model or even close to one. When it comes to external beauty, I am accepting my “eh” status. For the love of all that is NOT send me a Candace Cameron beauty article or a Christian diet plan.
I said I am embracing me.
All of me.
And all the issues of my outside seem to be magnified when I am hungry or craving chocolate cake.
And then I don’t like me.
And when I don’t like me, my heart gets all ugly and I am pretty sure that is the ugliest ugly of all.
So – at least for the year of 39 – I will eat the cake, and stay pretty at heart.

I won’t be the smartest, or have the highest degree of education in a room. Ever. Unless it’s a third grade classroom..

Or be the most popular.

I won’t be perfect at work.
I will never be able to avoid every mistake, oversight or tense situation. I can’t fix everything for everyone, or every situation at work. But this year, when stuff happens, I will pray, calm down and do my best Elsa impersonation.

I won’t be able to cook gourmet meals either. I recognize that I live in the birthplace of rush hour traffic: Illinois.
So, I will feed my children late dinners which won’t be free range, free from preservation, organic, farm fresh, good home cooking. Sometimes, they will have Easy Mac and Spaghetti-Os (Michelle Obama would spin around the oval office if she saw the amount of freezer waffles these kids consume!)

But since I am not actually dying, but celebrating a new year of life, I do have some goals I hope to achieve in my next year of life.

I want to love harder and without worry of whether or not the love will hurt me or cost me.

I want to listen to the words of my children, my parents, my family and my friends. I want to see their faces and hear the unsaid and not just the said.

I want to pray for others and meet their needs when I can.

I want to stop letting self-doubt keep me hidden, quiet, or disconnected.
I want to own the power of my own faith, truth and light.

I want to really believe that God just loves me…yes, me..silly, chubby, messy closets and mistakes and all..still He loves me.

I want to be sure that others around me know that God, and His love, are not offered only to those in an exclusive club. You don’t have to know special words, wear special t-shirts or do special things.
You just get His love.
And everyone has equal rights to this.
A good friend always tells me “the ground is level at the foot of the cross..” Well, amen x 1000 to that.

I want others to know the real me, before I become another “perfect little God girl” because I decided the real me -imperfect, fragile, shy – had nothing to offer, so I hid behind a “good person” mask.

For my birthday, I am giving myself a gift: I am acknowledging that the peace I have looked for all my life, I already have: the peace of God. My ability to feel that in my life depends on my ability to make peace with myself and with who I really am – flawed but loved anyway.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s