My Psalm Day


And then there was that one time.
That one week.
Or month.
That time where you did it all, all the stuff you were supposed to do.

And still – no answer from God.

Remember that time?

Me too. Actually, I am in that time.
I have asked for an answer to a big question and decision I am facing.

I have begged Him for clear direction, and still, I have no idea if I am on the right path, or completely turning the right direction.

The more I struggle to hear, the louder life around me gets. Like, I want to scream at some of those I love most (my sons) “Will you please PIPE DOWN ALREADY? I am TRYING to hear from God!”
But that wouldn’t be a very Godly example, so I don’t say that (usually).

Its just this one major confusing, unanswered looming question..

Yes, I boldly go to the throne.
And yes, I throw myself at His feet.
I turn my face towards Him
I quiet my heart.
I make my petitions known.

Yet, the return for this? Only continued quiet. I hear only my own words echoing, my heartbeat in the stillness. Crickets (not really..).

Nothing affirmed, nothing confirmed.

So this morning I began writing it out, feverishly typing “So now what? What Lord? Don’t you always answer? Isn’t that the thing? Your deal? I get still and You speak and conduct the symphony of my days, so the song of my life is good?
Don’t You want to author my story?
So why is my song missing notes? Also, I hate to mention it, but there is a deadline approaching and we seem to be missing the next chapter in my story..
Why not speak on this and make it all make sense?
Your Spirit still moves and guides me and yet, consistently, in this heart rending thing …my questions remain unanswered. Why?
Lord, did you – did you forget me?”

This morning, my writing stopped there. Feeling sad, and feeling like I was no closer to answering anything than I had been.

Until tonight.
When I literally Googled..”verses when God didn’t choose to speak…” 
Yeah, I did that.
And a bunch of unhelpful stuff came up. So, um, don’t do that.

So I turned to Psalms.
Because, I figured, if I need a comrade experienced in both the highs of loving God and the lows of feeling “distant from God” – David was my guy.

And it didn’t take long, to stumble to Psalm 13 and read..yep..from David..

“How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?  How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and day after day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
Look on me and answer, Lord my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death, and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”  and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing the Lord’s praise, for he has been good to me.”

~I was amazed  ..this almost echoed all my writings from this morning.
~I was shocked ..God has done this before, stopped speaking for a time.
~I was like the great David ..(minus the adultery and the murder plotting and all, but still!)
~I was ..humbled.
Because, while it echoed my early morning writings, I hadn’t gotten the end right.

I didn’t write out the good part, the part where I say “BUT I trust..”

I forgot to add “But it’s ok, even if You don’t reveal this answer, my heart is so full of the love You put there, that it doesn’t matter. Even if you stay silent forever, God? I won’t, I can’t. How can I? Yes, I was bummed but how can I stay quiet over this one thing You have not chosen to tell me, when You have spoken beauty, life and answers in a thousand other ways, a thousand times before?
You saved me! I am yours.
My biggest question? Answered!
That I am a daughter of the King.
I have royal blood in these veins! So for that Lord? For that I will praise You.”

I didn’t write that part in my own morning psalm.

But I am now.

Thankful that while He loved me enough to meet me in morning pout, He also loved me enough to bring me to an evening of singing.

And that’s ok, you know? To move from sadness to doubt in the course of a day, or an hour or even a minute? It’s fine. David set the precedent.

We just have to believe that sometimes God will remain quiet – for His own reasons.
And I don’t think He is bothered when we beg for answers, and when we get upset when none are given –  because even in this, we are just asking for more of Him.
And I don’t think we should be hard on ourselves for feeling disappointed when He doesn’t show us future plans  – because really, we are simply acknowledging that He is sovereign and directing our steps.

As long as we try, just try, to end each day praising Him for all He has already done. For all His past goodness.

Because He is worthy of that.

I feel like somewhere in Psalm 13, David realized that when we learn to praise Him for His faithfulness in the past, we suddenly find the faith to trust Him with the unknown future.

Singing Psalms and Authentically Yours,

2 thoughts on “My Psalm Day

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